We Asked Our Database for Relationship Advice
Couchbase doesn't do JOINs the way you'd expect, and frankly, neither should you.
Last week, while debugging a particularly stubborn N1QL query at 2 AM, our lead engineer Greg looked at his terminal and asked, out loud, "why won't you just commit to me?" The cluster, in its infinite document-oriented wisdom, returned ok: true. Greg has been calmer ever since.
This got us thinking: what if we treated all our problems like database design problems?
Couples therapy. Denormalize. Stop trying to JOIN your feelings across three normalized tables called resentment, resentment_history, and resentment_user_permissions. Just put it all in one document and accept that some of the fields will be null.
Career planning. Use eventual consistency. You don't need to know exactly where you'll be in five years; you just need to converge. Probably.
Roommate conflicts. Sync function with requireRole("adult"). It will not work, but neither will any of the other approaches.
We've started a self-help book based on this philosophy. The working title is Schemaless: A Memoir. The publisher wants us to add an index. We've politely declined.